Angel's Spanking Blog

Welcome to 2012!

Those of you who have followed this blog know that it has gone through some changes since its original publication.  It began as the living diary of a child trapped inside the body of a “grown-up.”  It followed the relationship of this adult child as she embraced her unique circumstances with the aid of a beautiful, loving, maternally dominant influence who decided to refer to the girl as “Angel.”  M, intrigued by Angel’s innocence, brattiness, rebellion, and her enormous capacity to love took on the colossal responsibility of tending to her spirit which had been badly wounded in her formative years.  After years of interacting with pretty, dominant women who had given Angel the exotic but not entirely accurate or even wanted title of “slave,” she eventually realized it was the therapeutic experience of re-parenting that had been the governing need she had been trying to fulfill – with extremely limited success.  Although their relationship has gone through many transitions over the years, and Angel and M no longer share the official D/s labels that forged their bond when they first met, their relationship has taken on a new form due to M’s ability to grow and change with an extremely concentrated effort lacked by most of humanity and Angel’s ability to eventually adapt because she was left with no choice but to have faith in a Woman who truly proved worthy in the end.  Because of this, their relationship has survived and continues to endure.  You can share in some of the experiences they have had and indulge your curiosities by reading the first half of this blog – which entails some stories of domestic discipline, all true; the musings of Angel throughout part of their relationship, and the perplexing, sometimes engrossing, and often contradictory thoughts and beliefs of this child-woman.

Angel’s relationship with M was much less public than her relationship with DN, and most of you will be familiar with their story – which is the tale of an unexpected relationship that blossomed when Angel happened upon DN, one day, by chance. Completely immobilized by her unparalleled beauty, the child in her became aroused and enchanted as any little girl would by a fairy-tale princess.  It took some doing before she believed she was real, and whenever Angel was exposed to new things about DN (like her incredible intellect and her many talents) she had to reevaluate the situation, again. Their bond was instant and sparked the first desire Angel truly ever had to grow up.

Angel found herself yearning to be a “slave,” although, regrettably, she was never quite able to grasp what that meant.  To her credit, DN tried with patience to guide her through the process – but Angel, in spite of herself, couldn’t quite surrender her will.  She oscillated between feeling the thrill and security of having rules and consequences and feeling trapped and “un-free” when they were afforded to her.  The only method of correction she knew or craved was spanking, and how she hated when DN found those weaknesses and exploited them to make her feel punished when she fell short – which, ironically, is exactly what Angel begged for and what was graciously promised to her in response.

Yet when she didn’t want it, or when it wasn’t expected, or when it was too hard, or too often, or not in the right position – Angel fought against the discipline.  It was equally unbearable that DN had to exert such little physical effort to make her point – how she could completely dismantle her in 2 minutes with just her hand when blows to the head (from pervious abusive relationships – not with M) had half the effect.

Angel was given the gift of being enslaved, regardless, and offered the position without going through the official trials necessary to prove she was capable – which Angel sometimes proved on her own, anyway (because she loved and revered her Mistress and wanted to please her) with such merit that DN could only see that potential was actual, and that if it wasn’t being utilized at all times – it was a choice.  Angel chose to prove she was capable when it occurred to her it was necessary (for the purposes of love, loyalty, dedication and on the seldom occasion – blind obedience) or when she was so overcome with awe and reverence it seemed not to be a choice… and she also chose to prove that she valued things selectively, based on her own will and sometimes completely randomly.

Ultimately, her Mistress asked only one thing in return for her efforts: consistency (at a ratio of less than 100% to account for genuine mistakes).  Angel chose not to give this to her, not because she couldn’t, but because she didn’t want to and found a million excuses why she shouldn’t have to: she was sick, tired, confused, misunderstood, and hadn’t she done enough already – why didn’t her Mistress see THOSE things?  Why couldn’t she just accept those things Angel was good at and not push her?  Why was she blinded to Angel’s love because it didn’t meet her mature standards?  Why did she insist Angel grow up?  Somewhere in this blog Angel’s terror can be found, her insecurity that her Mistress was an actual illusion, that her patience would wear thin, that her love would run out, that she would make Angel go away because it was just too taxing to keep expending resources without the investment she had expected in return.

Now Angel is without a Mistress, not very much to her dismay – but somewhat to her distress.  The entire time, Angel’s ability to choose had been her power.  Her Mistress allowed Angel to  have it until Angel finally convinced her she had no intention of using it wisely or even trying to comprehend it.  She exercised it like a child despite the boundaries that were in place to help her contain and cultivate it – for her own good.

Angel was released, set “free” – not because her Mistress had failed or was defeated in her role, but because it was the only responsible thing for a Dominant to do.  Quite ironically, it was the only way to teach her slave that slavery is a choice – and should ultimately be a source of freedom, reward and love.  It was also an extension of her teachings, that actions have consequences and that although there is a striking similarity between the role of a parent and the role of a Mistress – that BDSM is usually not the right choice for someone who chooses (90% of the time) not to treat it maturely.  It becomes a hazard when battles of the will and childish urges cannot be contained in moments that can be dealt with constructively and even embraced – but when they override the relationship and become a source of toxicity.

Sometimes, you just have to walk away with a heavy heart and accept that some damage is irreversible.  But some relationships are meant to endure and are worthy of solemn re-negotiation.  And, as the saying goes – if you love something sometimes you must set it free.  If it comes back to you, it is yours.  If it doesn’t, it wasn’t meant to be.  In relationships that  have been as intense as the relationship Angel and her Mistress shared, there is often something salvageable if one is willing to go through the rubble to find it.  Sometimes you just need to find one genuine artifact and discard the rest… and it can exist as a foundation upon which to build something new. Something greater, something stronger, something brilliant.  Those things that are worth it are most often not easily attainable.

One of the first things her Mistress told Angel is that she is fair.  Her Mistress will do the right thing and Angel will have faith that whatever decision she makes in the future is the right one, for them both.  Maybe you will all be ill-fated to read the sorry ramblings bred from someone’s broken heart because some things are not fixable. Maybe this entire blog will be taken down and become a mere memory for those who have enjoyed reading it (and a shrine for Angel – to remind her of the beautiful times she shared with her Mistress, and of course M). Or perhaps (more optimistically) there will be a reconciliation of sorts.  In order to prove her willingness to better herself as person, Angel must show that she’s willing to abandon the negative aspects of the only persona she’s ever felt secure occupying-  a child’s.

I… am Angel.

And, as of right now – I am taking the time to reflect on my life and the situations I have found myself in.  Rather than looking for a Mistress, I am looking to do the work I need to on myself so that if I chose to be a slave in the future – I am entirely capable of filling the position.  And if I don’t – I will be none worse for the wear.  I will merely be blessed to have more practice at self examination and leading a rich and rewarding inner life that will allow me to contribute beautiful things to the people in my external life (those who deserve it; distinguishing the difference is part of the process).  I am focusing on my health, my spirit, my heart, my mind, my writing and my art – and in doing so, I am learning a little bit about self direction and internal motivation, none of which results from the bitter end of a lash this time.  And such is the way a potential slave should present herself to her Mistress – being at least a little put together and self aware so the Mistress doesn’t have to carry the burden of “fixing” another human being, which is not at all possible (especially not without her consent).  Rather, showing some dedication to better yourself is perhaps the only proper way to interact with a Mistress – so that you can be useful to her, as opposed to using her.

If I have enough time in between writing my memoir to keep up this blog, it will focus on my journey of becoming ME. I do not intend to stop working with other Dominants in a professional capacity, especially those with whom I have an especially good rapport.  I will likely write about these interactions if I continue this blog, and I will write about other subjects – spanking and discipline (in a more general sense), life without a Mistress, my progress and probably sporadic poetry and drawings and whatever else is on my mind.

For professional inquiries, please e-mail LiLPrncessofPain@aol.com.  F/f real life domestic discipline and roleplay sessions available.  I am currently not interacting with my former Mistress in any capacity but other beautiful, professional and skilled dominants (both domestically inclined and those geared towards a little more edgy BDSM) are available for play.