Spoke too soon… Am in trouble. Punishment looming.
I am experiencing a tremendous amount of angst right now, which is why I decided I would blog. Perhaps
writing will ease the anxiety, although I’m not ragingly optimistic about it. I did something bad today, actually the past two days. The past 2 weeks I have pretty much adhered to some form of diet. I have been eating minimally and limiting the juice and sugar. I could tell that I’ve lost a tiny tiny bit of weight from this alone, but it was encouraging me to continue. Except – I had a stress induced episode of panic which led to some binging the past day and a half. The culprits: pasta, fried chicken and ice cream. I should have told Domina Nyx yesterday, because chances are She would have issued an upcoming punishment and that would have left me scared enough today not to continue.
But I didn’t tell Her the full extent of the problem, which is now for sure going to be considered a lie. However, I give myself a little bit of credit because I am so afraid of being spanked I was remarkably close to convincing myself I didn’t need to tell Her at all, and justifying it as being okay. Thankfully, that is one mistake I did not make. I spit out the partial truth in a text message, which was about the most amount of courage I could muster at the time – and this was only because I was under the impression She was busy.
I thought She was in session, but She wasn’t and called me immediately. She wasn’t angry or yelling, but sometimes it is a worse situation when She’s stoically strict. We had a brief exchange where I was forced to admit that I intentionally broke one of Her rules. But I became defensive when She matter-of-factly told me I was punished. I tried to rationalize and justify and when that didn’t work, I raised my voice – which I have been informed has added to my punishment.
I soon stopped that behavior. It was a few months back when I realized that when She adds to a punishment She means it. That’s why a 3 day social media restriction turned into an entire month of no blog, formspring or twitter. I wasn’t going to test Her again, especially because I have a feeling I am going to be spanked – and I am still so sore that I don’t want to even think about that.
I’m sad now. And afraid. There have been some spontaneous punishments in the recent months, which have been so psychologically crippling and painful that I have purposefully avoided blogging about it because I can’t even bring myself to do it. This time, the punishment will be planned because the misdeeds occurred when I was not within “arms reach” of Her – which hasn’t happened in a long time. I should have known better, considering among the broken rules – one of them is the first one She ever created for me. I remember clearly (which can be found in blog post from early 2010) when She said to me, “you will not like the consequences for that type of behavior.” At that point, I was unaware of what She was capable of doing to me punishment-wise. I would later learn when stripped of the ability to sit for (at the most) an entire month that I understood how severe Her punishments can be.
She’s perfected them so that I experience maximum amounts of pain and humiliation – even when She’s very far from dolling out an intentionally severe or humiliating spanking. She can have me thoroughly chastised in under 3 minutes using just Her hand if She so chooses. It’s pretty insane and something I have never experienced at the hands of another Mistress. Sometimes it induces feelings of intense rage and frustration because I can’t talk myself out of not being so affected and I can’t talk Her out of not punishing me. Every now and then I’ll be spontaneously pardoned (as in the other night after I broke Her glass) but it never has very much to do with me.
The only thing I do find that helps is actual, genuine submission. Begging, pleading, crying, manipulating and tantruming definitely fuels Her urge to punish. And if I do that, I only get to cry for approximately 2 minutes after I’m punished. I have just enough time to collect myself, wash my face (and sometimes the blood off my ass) and change my attitude otherwise I get threatened with another immediate punishment. I actually think Her spankings have hurt so much during these instances that I’ve never had to get an immediate second spanking for not listening. I can’t even form an image in my head of how horrible that would be. I never imagined that I could be so afraid of being spanked. It doesn’t get any better either. I used to believe I’d get used to it and become less afraid. Turns out, the exact opposite is true. The more I get spanked, the more afraid I am. Even when it’s not serious or severe. Strange.
Anyway, I have no idea what to expect now. I only know that I will not complain or act defiantly or try to convince Her I shouldn’t be punished after She’s told me it’s Her intention, She’s not changing Her mind and outlined a fool-proof explanation for why She is 100% right. The most I can hope for is some leniency if I approach this with a very humble attitude. If I am submissive and compliant and genuinely repentant, sometimes She’ll let me cry for a few minutes while I am crumbled in Her lap, utterly defeated after a punishment. If that’s the most I can work towards, I will take it – and I will need it as I am in trouble for a multitude of rule breaking: doing two things I am not allowed to do, not being forthcoming with this information immediately (which I have learned is considered lying) and raising my voice and challenging Her authority and justification for punishing me. Bad L Very bad L
On the plus side, I’m sure this is the most excited you guys have been in months. Me – not so much. I really feel sad. And I’m am terrified because when my Mistress reads this, She is going to realize that I broke more rules than just the one I confessed to earlier. Oh man. Knowing I am in trouble is regressing me into psychological submission. I don’t want to be spanked. I want to bury my head in Her lap and tell Her I am sorry and be hugged. And maybe that will happen, but not without being accompanied by a punishment. As it’s been made crystal clear to me over the past year, if I behave unsatisfactorily, I will be punished. But the punishment almost always fits the crime. I don’t think I’ve ever escaped a spanking, and nowadays punishment spanking is synonymous with humiliation – but I could be facing more than just that: A soapy mouth, rice decorated knees, corner time, restrictions of privileges, writing lines. It’s unpredictable. It could be a mild punishment considering I have not broken this one specific rule in over half a year. Or it could be a very severe one to encourage me not to break it ever again.
I might see Domina Nyx this week, or next, or both. And the only time I ever express reluctance at seeing Her is when I know I’m going to be punished. Last time I had a non-spontaneous punishment coming, I was so scared of being spanked that I carried on for 2 hours trying to get out of seeing Her. Sobbing, convincing myself (and trying to convince Her) that I was practically on death’s door from an illness, begging, pleading, negotiating… but I finally collapsed into submission when I realized that if God himself came down to grant me a pardon, it would mean nothing. I did what I had to the next day. I went to Her, genuinely submissive and terrified as all hell – and although my behavior was 100% perfect the next 3 days I was with Her – I didn’t end up leaving without first going over Her knee and getting a good dose of Her hand, the belt and the paddle that last December left me with missing chunks of flesh off of my backside.
That being said… I have no idea what to expect.
