Late Nights with Domina Nyx (Part I)

DN and I were up until 8am this morning, chatting away on the phone and over the Internet. As Her new couch (finally) arrived in Brooklyn, I fell out of the chair from exhaustion 20 miles away. Yes, I managed to find my way to my bed – but if you ask me how, I will not be able to tell you. The last ten minutes of our phone conversation escapes my memory, but thank God for google chat – which recorded hours of our discussions.

We had some very insightful talks, which I think left us both feeling positive and empowered in regard to our personal and professional lives. She has given me instruction and incentive to get back on track with my weight loss after a hiatus stifled my motivation. She has always been very generous with rewards; however – I have not allowed myself the opportunity to reap the benefits because I haven’t fulfilled my part of the bargains. I usually make some progress in almost all areas, however, I stop somewhere along the way because it becomes too challenging, or I get lazy, or tired, or sick. Rather than punishing me for this, DN has actually increased the incentive if I achieve the goals She sets out for me.

However, while She put so many rewards on the table – She also gave me a very dire warning. If I fail to take this seriously, that now is the time that She will be left with no other option than to go hardcore army-style on my ass. She didn’t go into specifics of what this would entail; other than telling me I would have to make arrangements regarding Her joint custody agreement with M – and that I would need to spend an entire week with Her (DN style boot camp – safe, sane and consensual need not apply). I won’t challenge Her on this. I’ve already started to change (re-change) my eating habits even before She issued Her subtle threat. Now, out of sheer terror of the consequences – I will be sticking to this. We have to go over the particulars – like diet plan and workout routine when I see Her next.

She has given me mini-goals on a monthly basis, with the promise of a reward for achieving them. And a very big reward comes when the ultimate goal is reached. The motivation is certainly not lacking. We also discussed a lot of fruit-bearing business ideas, which we will begin to implement throughout the course of the next several months, effective immediately. I won’t go into particulars but you will certainly be made aware of its progression. We have basically all of the tools we need, resources are plentiful, the drive is strong and between the two of us – we are saddled with intelligence and creativity. So the BDSM world is about to be at our fingertips.

We also sorted out some personal issues. There are times when She is very pleased with my behavior, and praises me for my efforts. But there are also times that I displease, disappoint and anger Her. The former is met with affection and rewards and the latter is met with immediate, delayed or a combination of immediate/delayed punishment. What I am facing now for a 2 week stretch of intermittent “bad” behavior (which cannot be excused away as resulting from being overtired, not feeling well or being emotionally unequipped to meet Her expectations in “slave-mode”) is

1) a “long OTK” spanking for going into a childish tirade about how I would never be spanked again, once I was far enough away from Her where I knew I couldn’t be draped across Her lap in an instant. Normally, I am repentant and submissive after a spanking. This was a rare time where I was so enraged about being spanked against my will that I had a literal fit. I cried myself to sleep, screaming things to myself in my head as I drifted off, like, “I will never be spanked again! I will never go over Her knee ever again! I will never let Her hit me with Her hand!” It was only after I woke up from a much needed slumber that I realized what I had done by texting Her this insanity, which is somewhat amusing in retrospect. I don’t know what possessed me with the brilliant idea that I could try to bully Her into not spanking me. Bad move. I can’t escape a spanking. The more I resist, the more I get punished. I can’t plead with Her. I can’t manipulate Her. And God forbid I cry for Her to stop.

The last time I did that, out of utter aggravation, I ended up across Her lap getting whacked pretty good with Her hand. She challenged me while in that position to dare suggest She stop again. Naturally, I didn’t want to. And I didn’t until the challenge (which I would have liked to have gladly admitted defeat to) turned into an order. She forced me to tell Her to stop. The minute I obeyed, my obedience was met with an assault to my backside. She hit me with Her hand while informing me that She would “stop” when She damn well pleased. All I cared about is that it would actually stop, ever. It hurt so much I had to gag myself with the blanket so that I wouldn’t scream and make Her angry. At some point I was convinced She must have switched to the paddle. But when it was said and done, it was clear She only used Her hand. My face turned a deeper shade of red upon that realization. The humiliation, at least in my case, is much more intense when I am made to feel like I’m experiencing the same degree of pain as a 3 year old child would from a hand-spanking. At least when being beaten with an implement, it’s completely logical to expect for it to hurt from an adult perspective. Afterwards, the throbbing is very painful and annoying and I’ve never gotten it for more than a few minutes, tops – but the throbbing lasts at least 3/4′s of an hour. And the humiliation does not subside until the discomfort stops. My conclusion: A simple hand-spanking = the gift that keeps on giving

Not sure what this is going to mean for me when She administers the “long” OTK spanking. I can, without fail, rely on the fact that it is going to be painful and embarrassing – even if She didn’t spank me and just held me in position pinned between Her legs, so as to immobilize me, I would still suffer. The worst is when I get spanked like that and then am led to believe it’s over after a stern mini-lecture. I am left turned over Her knee, my ass exposed and glowing red – completely at Her mercy. My attention is compromised as I am forced to listen to Her while at the same time trying in vain to ward off the humiliation of my predicament. The only solace I receive in those moments is believing that the spanking is over. However – 10 out of 10 times, after the mini-lecture, I get a series of extremely hard swats to confirm I got the message and then my whole constitution is shaken again. It’s almost like being punished twice. She usually doesn’t even afford me the dignity to pull my own pants back up. She does it for me as if I am a toddler. To add insult to injury (in the most literal sense) – there have been one or two occasions where I get a final smack after my pants are back on. The only way I endure such situations is by reminding myself the whole thing will be repeated if I dare to express any negative reaction to the punishment. 9 out of 10 times, this corrects my attitude immediately. When She first started doing this, I was more resistant. I believed if I reacted negatively She would conclude the punishment was ineffective and stop. On the occasions that She’s had to threaten me with another spanking, or followed through with another spanking after non-compliance – I learned that I couldn’t win that battle. Once that became clear to me, I rarely have the will enough to risk a second spanking.

The exception might have been my behavior the past 2 weeks, which leads me to point #

2) As I’ve already recently mentioned, and which now has been confirmed via Domina Nyx’s formspring – I am facing a 3 day punishment consisting of five separate spankings throughout the day, each lasting fifteen minutes – and all implements will be used for this particular chastisement. I have already been punished for some of my infractions, but Domina Nyx and I both agree a good lesson is in order to restore the dynamic of the relationship (which has been somewhat compromised due to an insanely strange and busy 2 months, for both of us). When She first issued this punishment, I really thought She was joking because She said it with a smile and half-giggle. When Her smile became bigger and Her half-giggle, half maniacal – I realized this was just Her sadism and self-satisfaction kicking in, and had nothing to do with a joke. I stopped questioning Her on whether or not She was serious once She started changing things around – like turning 3 spankings a day into 5. She told me this would be a combination of training and punishment, which would serve 2 functions:

a) To be able to use corporal punishment to strictly monitor my behavior and keep me consistently obedient, under the threat and implementation of force for a continuous 72 hours – with no offers of leniency.

b) To exact retribution for the offenses I had committed against Her that She has deemed to be punishable ones. Although She is capable of mercy (despite Her claims not to know what the word means whenever someone begs or screams for it J) She is strict when it comes to justice, and is methodical and severe when taking on the responsibility of teaching a lesson to someone truly deserving – especially when that lesson is meant for someone She loves and whom She has taken on the somewhat monumental task of being responsible for their welfare and for shaping their behavior to meet Her standards.

We have been in a committed D/s relationship for just over a year now. It has been eight months since I have had to suffer an extreme punishment, and the last one left me unable to sit comfortably for what was almost an entire month. I don’t know if this punishment is going to be similar in nature, intent or aftermath – but I really hope not. Because I am going to be spanked so often, I would imagine it will not be necessary for my Mistress to use as much force as She did the last time. What will probably end up happening is that I will become so horribly sore from the repetition that this is where the real agony will come into play. I am already dreading this. Not that I believe She is going to be particularly gentle – obviously not, it’s a punishment. But is She going to tear the flesh off my ass within the first 15 minutes, I hope not. And so far I haven’t been instructed to stock up on the Vitamin K and Arnica.

I don’t see how I would be able to endure it, literally. If She follows through exactly the way She has intended and I get no reprieve or chance to negotiate – at a minimum, if She lands just 10 strokes per minute that ends up being 2,250 licks by the end of it – which is probably more than I’ve ever received in an entire year of my life, nevermind half a week. If She lands 30 strokes per minute that will be 6,750 and if She is extremely sadistic and machine-like and beats me without stopping at the rate of one stroke per second, that would be 13,500 – and that would probably equal the amount of strokes I’ve received in my entire life (or possibly, even probably – more). I don’t know if She is capable of doing this to my ass, or Her arm. But I wouldn’t doubt it based on what I have seen Her do. I have been in the same space as Her during heavy CP sessions where She’s administered thousands of strokes in the span of a few hours – and despite some shoulder soreness, She recovers quite quickly – unlike Her victims.

There is really no room for negotiation. She gave me one opportunity for bargaining, but it’s not a very good one. I was told I could stop any spanking at any time if I admitted to one really awful, appalling lie that I have told either Her or myself. I am still unsure of what this means. The one offense I committed that I confessed to which I thought would be more than acceptable was actually underrated by Her standards of what constitutes such a heinous lie. I think I am screwed in one way or another. If I invent lies to get out of the punishment, I can’t imagine how much worse my fate will be because I know She can tell. If I can recall something that might be a genuine lie and it is not accepted as being big enough to stop the punishment, then I will probably be punished for the act of having lied. If I can’t think of any lies, and at the moment, I truly can’t – then I will just have to suffer 15 spankings (plus the original long OTK one which was separated from the rest due to how much it angered and annoyed Her). When we were chatting last night, She confirmed my suspicions that this might be the worst punishment I have ever received at the hands of Her or anyone else, ever. That’s pretty frightening.

I don’t know when this is going to happen. I am going to see Her next week, but it won’t be for 3 days. At the most it will be two. She wants to punish me then, I can tell – as She said She will have to condense the spankings if I can’t stay the full 3 days. This, I really do not want to happen. I asked Her as a compromise – if She would be willing to give me the long OTK spanking for my first offense this coming week and then I would promise to make sure I could be there for 3 days straight the next week so that She could punish me as She originally intended. Her response was, “We’ll see.” Obviously this can go both ways. But I am willing to do just about anything if She will grant me this extension and administer one punishment next week and the other 15 punishments the week after that.

Next blog will be about the rest of our conversation. Stayed tuned for Part II.

~ by kaijedangel on August 14, 2011.