More punishment delays (Part I)
(Just got the go-ahead to post this from Domina Nyx)
I haven’t blogged in a while, because I wasn’t sure if I was punished and I was too afraid to ask. When I finally got up the courage to ask, my Mistress was busy and did not answer. So I was not going to press the issue. I waited until tonight, a few days later when I had Her attention to ask Her again, and She told me I could still blog and use formspring. I was hoping She would un-punish me from twitter, but She did not and I did not dare ask. Nor did I offer one iota of resistance when I was punished from twitter as I learned last time that one second of defiance or even of mere hesitation means the punishment gets worse.
Last time a few days of restrictions turned into a month. And because this punishment had an immediate time frame of one week, I knew if She had to add any increments that they would be large in gaps. She does this with spanking, too. When She first began to punish me, if I didn’t listen the strokes would go up in increments of 10 and at the end of most formal punishments I would always be warned that I had another 10 extra-reinforcing smacks coming.
At this point in our relationship every spanking, even small ones, begins with a minimum of 50 strokes – no matter what implement She is using, or even if She uses only Her hand. And now formal punishments end with 25 ridiculously hard reinforcer strokes as opposed to 10. Yes, She can do this with Her hand, too. The last time She showed me what 60% of Her hand spanking strength was, I had Her hand imprinted on my ass for several hours. It was one spank and She was playing/demonstrating but it was pretty severe and literally knocked me off my feet. AND I had pants on.
So I understand now that if I hesitate another 50 strokes will be added, and I run the risk of having the tail end of the spanking causing more pain in itself than what preceded it. This almost happened the last time I was punished. I was afraid to come to Her because I knew She was going to pull me over Her knee but She told me I had 2 seconds before I had another 50 tacked on.
Drone-like, I approached Her with the paddle She demanded and immediately got pulled by my hair across Her lap, forced to suppress the instinct to resist knowing full well what will happen if I dared attempt it. This punishment was more measured, so I was a little less panicked than I normally am. But it is often the case with spontaneous punishments -like the ones I don’t know are going to happen until a fraction of a second before they actually do – that I experience an almost phobic reaction. Why?
Because with these types of punishments, there is no number of strokes I can count on (literally) to help me determine when it will be over. All I know is that I have AT LEAST 50 coming and sometimes it seems to go on forever and I am tormented from the combination of intense pain and urgent need to escape being over Her knee.
A couple of times, I have fought Her on the issue – sometimes due to the pain, sometimes due alone to the fact of being subjected to the humiliating position. I’m not sure how I went an entire half of year never having experienced being over Her knee (actually at one point thinking I was entirely safe and that it was something She didn’t do…???) to almost always being punished this way now whenever She needs to spank me. On occasion, I have found ways to slink to the floor to get off of Her lap. However – unlike other Mistresses, this does not make Her stop the spanking nor does it make Her continue the spanking with me in some other less degrading position. Instead, every single time, She drags me (usually by the hair) right back across Her knee.
This usually begins with the added horror of helplessness because She entraps me between Her legs so securely that I can’t move an inch, never mind slump the ground. And She pins my free hand behind my back while beating the hell out of my butt and making me believe She might never let me up and that She will never stop spanking me.
She always spanks me WAY past the point that I’ve had more than I can handle and I end up sobbing and shaking, forced to suppress screams by either holding my own hand over my mouth or being instructed to bite a blanket or towel to silence my squealing. She will let me cry or beg if I can keep it at a reasonable noise level, but it does absolutely nothing to assuage Her desire to punish me until long after I have gone limp in defeat and the cries turn to muffled whimpers.
Depending on the circumstances, I either get hugged with the assurance that it’s over, or I get sent to the corner or made to stand in front of Her so She can examine Her handiwork and use it to humiliate me to the point of near psychological death. On occasions I can count on one hand, prior to the point that I realized I could NEVER get my way or make Her abandon a punishment in defeat – I did react poorly to spanking with an increase in attitude in futile attempts to convince Her the spanking had no effect on me. Contrary to my manipulative plot, this ended with a follow-up – “There is no way in Hell I am going to allow you to get your way” ass beating.
This has happened very infrequently, and now it is pretty much to the point where all She has to do is threaten another spanking or even at times just adjust Her tone or give me a look that has me willingly retreating from my instinctual urge to protest the fact that I was punished and in effect, punish Her by giving Her grief for punishing me. Yea, that never happened and never will. So I have given up and usually don’t contest the punishment – because, in reality, not being able to sit comfortably for hours, and/or having your Mistress reminding you to wipe the natural blush off of your face by repeatedly referencing the fact that She had to put you over Her knee and why… well, at some point, it becomes difficult to endure. It’s especially difficult to endure when you know you have to accept it without one word of complaint otherwise you fall into an extremely high risk bracket of having the whole thing happen right over again, only with a very high likelihood that it will be worse on both accounts if it does.
This is where I am extraordinarily concerned about what is going to happen to me when I receive the 3rd very calculated and structured punishment I have ever received from Her. I get punished frequently but the monumental ones occur on average once every five months or so. It’s now been almost 15 months since we have been interacting in this way – and this will be my third doozy of punishment. Believe it or not, statistically I’m doing a little better than predicted. The last time I got punished and couldn’t sit for what was almost an entire month – DN informed me that on top of regular punishment and maintenance spankings that She was considering issuing an extreme punishment once every 3 months or so. So I’m a little ahead of the game. Well I hope She sees it that way anyway. If She sees it as a sign that had I been brutally spanked like clockwork every 3 months since my last punishment – and that my behavior had slacked because I wasn’t, well then I’m fucked. Because even if I can behave after this, it might be the case She will still be motivated to beat the living hell out of me if She believes it will contribute to keeping my behavior in check. And not only has She become deaf to all pleas for mercy, I have also lost all negotiating power that in the past has granted me leniency or on the rare occasion the actual voiding of a punishment. I think those days are officially over.
(This entry is petty long, so I’ve separated it into 2 or possibly separate entries. 2nd one tomorrow. Happy reading).
