The promised continuation

I am really not sure what is going to happen now. Once She threatened me with giving me the entire punishment all at once, rather than spacing it out to 6 (or now possibly 10) spankings a day for 3 days. Despite what happened during my last major punishment in the course of less than half an hour, I still feel somewhat inclined to take the “lump sum” punishment rather than in installments. I don’t think this was a choice, but I’m almost tempted to ask Her. Yes, it will be hours of agony – but at least I won’t get spanked once and then have to deal with the anxiety that I have 28 more to go. Not to mention the pain. I know this from the few times I had been spanked twice in one day (which has been the most DN has ever spanked me in a 24 hour period). I remember one time I was spanked twice and that was because I wasn’t over Her knee and She was hitting me so hard I couldn’t stay still. She gave me as many whacks as She could and postponed the punishment for a little while. Within the next few hours She had used Her body to restrain me and gave me 50 strokes with the blunt handle of her bullwhip and I was so sore from the previous spanking earlier that I remember it being terribly painful. I can’t imagine what it will be like several times a day for that length of time. These spankings couldn’t have lasted any more than five minutes each. But they hurt like hell and bruised my bottom to the point where when DN examined me the next day that She made mention that my ass looked like a “battlefield” or something to that effect.

I was told about 2 weeks ago that I was in the worst trouble of my life. I think I was already in the worst trouble of my life when I was getting 15 spankings in 3 days. I still at some point didn’t think She was serious until She started talking about it and telling me She was formulating a plan on how She would do it. That’s when She told me She had pre-determined half the time would be over Her knee and the other half in another position. Her thinking about a punishment is always bad. I hate when She mulls it over. That’s what happened with the last punishment. She sat on it a long time while deciding what to do with me – and I ended up in saran wrap begging for death, and that was entirely before She knowingly incorporated humiliation into the scene. Now She just has another tool in Her arsenal.

I think this punishment will be different from the others though. The first major punishment, I was probably mostly overcome with curiosity and then before anything even happened I was cornered and mindfucked before She even touched me as She repeated one of Her infamous lines that so deeply affected me in one of our first e-mail correspondences. She was so seductive when She said it, and so intensely cloaked in beauty that I could not get my mental bearings. Some can enslave you with beauty; some can enslave with psychology – but when someone can do it both, you better be very fucking careful. This happened to me that night. Perhaps this will sound absurd, but I remember very clearly wanting to burst into tears for the sole reason that my faculties had no way to process how magnificent She was.

There really wasn’t any thought of pain at that time. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the story, She did tie me up. She spanked me a few times with a large wooden paddle and I yelped. I don’t think I was expecting it to hurt, really. It did, but what hurt more was when She lifted my skirt up and pulled my panties off – exposing my bottom for the first time. It was the first time She had given Herself full access to my naked ass. I was very embarrassed, and afraid. But by the time She had secured me soundly to the bondage table and when making sure I couldn’t move decided to reveal Her little secret (that She was a sexual sadist and was going to enjoy punishing me) – I lost all sense of any embarrassment and was fixated on what was going to happen me because I had never been in such a predicament. I have experienced much pain before, but never by anyone who actually identified themselves as a sadist, sexual or otherwise. That was a great way to eradicate my defenses and lessen any tolerance I might have had. Then the spanking began, and it progressed in severity but I managed not to cry for a while. She did Her best to extend comfort to me. When She sensed I was panicking from the pain and feeling of being restrained, She didn’t stop the punishment – but She would do something like stroke my hair or let me put my shaking hand on Her waist as She paddled, whipped or caned me. By the end of it, my refusal to cry melted down into a amalgamation of confusing emotions and I was not only crying but pleading for Her to stop. When She sensed She had Her way with me, She told me I had 10 more coming and spanked me extremely hard with the long, thinner wooden paddle that was the first instrument to take the skin off my backside. I was really experiencing a kind of pain I never felt before. I was very afraid and very shaken. I didn’t even realize it was over until I suddenly noticed that I had gone from being tied to the bondage bed sobbing to somehow softly whimpering in Her lap as She consoled me.

The second punishment was not as effective as it should have been, not because of Her lack of effort as can be seen by the “after” pictures – but because I wasn’t in a mindset that afforded me what I needed to be properly influenced. Despite what I told myself, I was still feeling resentful and angry over certain things and I suffered tremendously, and was punished in a way I had never experienced before. It was definitely deserved and I was truly in physical agony for weeks, but I didn’t let it work for me psychologically. I might have experienced some slight disassociation because I had never been restrained that way before and I really wasn’t processing the punishment in the correct way. I was lacking the affection afforded to me during the first punishment because there was still some residual anger on DN’s part because of my behavior. There were a lot of things I wanted to say to Her that I held in for fear of being so vulnerable and so I was emotionally blocked and I was unable to give Her any cues that She could pick up on to let Her know that I was genuinely remorseful (because I wasn’t) and I was not able to earn Her affection because She is extremely intuitive. So this was strict punishment, for the most part. There were a few words of comfort and some generous wiping of the tears, but mostly I got my ass beaten for my transgressions and although it was deeply personal for both of us – there was this distance. I almost felt at times as if DN was not the injured party but simply someone required to carry out a punishment to someone who committed a crime. Feeling that was pretty uncomfortable and made the pain exceed levels I did not think were possible. A lot of things went wrong in my mind that day because I was unable to be honest with my Mistress and I was still being somewhat stubborn – not defiant or bad. I was punished and I knew why, but I was very sad and unable to reach out to Her and mend things in a way that extended beyond physical justice and compensation. I did both of us a great disservice by burying my feeling so deeply not even She could entirely unearth them.

I feel this punishment will be different because I’ve had some forced psychological revelation (courtesy of Domina Nyx) that put things in perspective for me. I know She had been trying to tell me this all along, but somehow She pieced it together last week in one extremely clear sentence that has had me crawling in my skin ever since. I don’t want to really share the details as they are too personal, and more fitted for a memoir than a blog entry (and yes, I will give Her credit) but She made this psychological assessment of my actions that catapulted me into a panicked train of thought that was so intensely accurate – even I could do nothing to deny it. There was a lot of suffering on both our parts, but it ended on an amazing note that has left me, once again – in awe of Her.

This is what makes this punishment so sad. This all happened too late. It happened early enough (I think and hope) to do something great for our relationship, but not early enough to spare either of us the consequences. She has to expend Her energy punishing me (and although to some extent it fulfills Her because She is so naturally dominant, determined to impart lessons and mete out justice – it is still excessive even for the most skilled and determined disciplinarian) and I have to suffer the punishment (enough said).

This will by far be the worst one. Even if She spanks me with a feather, I have a feeling it will end up being like Chinese water torture and it will start to hurt and be annoying simply due to repetition. (And, I know I won’t be spanked with a feather – unless it’s like a vulture feather coated in iron). Also She is going to have me over Her knee in the span of 3 days, in what is going to add up to more time than I’ve spent over all my Domme’s knees combined in my life. I suspect that’s because most Dommes I’ve sessioned with or had as Mistresses would rather back away from the repercussions of my hostile reaction to OTK spankings rather than use it to punish me the way DN does. I’ve tried that with Her. It does not work. Granted, I’ve never bitten Her because of it as I did with one very special Domme – but I know if I did I would probably forget what it’s like to stand up straight.

Once, I unknowingly clutched at Her thigh with my nails. This was the first OTK spanking I got with the belt and I was very unnerved, but I got a serious threat that left me with my head buried in the mattress in shame, fighting back tears as the belt landed without mercy on my bare ass. This was the formal beginning of my body submitting against the will of my mind by starting to become limp in defeat in response to OTK spankings. I remember She began spanking me with Her hand and that’s when the humiliation started to poison my spirit, which directed my body to weaken, and weaken further from the pain. When She asked Mistress Mona to hand Her the belt, I waged a little resistance by trying to squirm away because I was afraid (first OTK belt spanking ever) and when that didn’t work I began unconsciously grabbing at Her with my nails. By the end of that I was so shocked and sore that She held me for a few moments and all I remember after that is an immediate attitude change and jumping to do whatever She told me to.

Anyway, back to the point – this will also be the worst one because I actually realize what I have been doing wrong (on the larger scale). This is certainly a punishment that has to deal with lying (to myself and Her) and for a poor attitude – but there is more to it than that. It’s also about this revelation She gave me. Part of me wants to use that as leverage and beg Her to lessen the punishment because I truly wasn’t aware of what was going on. But, DN’s law is pretty much the same as any state or federally enforced law. “Ignorance of the law is no defense.” In this case, ignorance of the actions does not negate them. As I told Her in one of my recent e-mails, I understand that if I stabbed somebody 80 times because I didn’t fully realize what I was doing – I would still be punished and go to prison. Because She operates on this philosophy as a Dominant, it would go against Her better judgment to spare me and so as I was told 3 weeks ago – every stroke that She promised me will be delivered. Although in this case, it wasn’t promised strokes. It was promised spankings – which are now up to 29.

This is pretty frightening because the other day I was looking at this little hour glass timer that comes with a board game. It empties the sand in sixty seconds. I watched in agonizing anticipation at how long it took to complete a minute cycle. Then I related that in my mind to having to flip that thing 15 times during the course of a spanking and suddenly time seemed to be something torturous in and of itself. It literally sank in, finally – what is in store for me.

My heart started to do strange things, and yeah, I’ll admit it. I cried. I cried and fought every urge to beg Her pardon. She’s known it all along but it took me about 2 months to realize what this means. It’s somewhat surreal until you start to actually think about it. I kept considering it impossible and thinking that eventually the toll would become so burdensome to administer that She would get frustrated and abandon it. This did not work either, and now I have to receive almost double the punishment. There’s nothing I can do now except live and breathe to please Her and to avoid additional punishment – whether it be spanking or restrictions.

As I said, I was punished from twitter for a week. I did not rally in defiance this time. I really surprised myself by my lack of desire to come to my own defense or offer meaningless excuses and apologies. Instead, I asked Her if I was also punished from my blog and formspring and offered to resend Her my passwords to restrict my accounts if She didn’t have them handy and wanted to make sure I had no access to them. I think that immediate gesture of obedience spared me any further punishment and led Her to trust that I would not defy Her with temptation – which, I did not.

Anyway, I don’t know what is going to occur during my three day spanking punishment. She might feel that this is enough, or She might use it as an extreme training exercise and extra severe punishment. It’s not impossible to think I might get some corner time, or line writing, kneeling on rice, soap, removal of privileges, going to bed early, being “grounded” from getting to do any fun things with Her during that period, extra chores – anything and everything to insure that I understand the gravity of the situation and that She is serious. Pain, humiliation and constant anxiety for 3 days – that’s a serious discipline trifecta (no matter which order you put it in). So, we will see. Off to bed now. 3 more hours and my twitter punishment is over. Since my twitter automatically publishes my blog posts, I have to wait 3 hours to post this, God forbid She thinks I would defy Her at the last moments of my punishment.

~ by kaijedangel on September 19, 2011.