More Punishment thoughts, what else is new?

I’m really not sure how people are so on the radar as to when I post a new blog entry, but my hits double or triple for a day or two when I put out a new post. I’ve already put out a couple of pretty intense entries; it’s a good form of emotional purging when the anxiety begins to peak. I am in a heightened state of arousal (the kind produced strictly by fear and the need for self-preservation) due to my looming punishment(s).

I had a talk with M today about what was happening to me. When I first explained it to Her, She misunderstood and thought I had said Domina Nyx was going to spank me 30 times, as in give me 30 smacks. (Yes, you will know this if you follow me on twitter – the toll has risen to 30. Once again, this is truly through no fault of my own. She does not like the number 29, or at the very least She prefers the number 30). I begged Her if She was going to do that if She could please not make it a punishment spanking. She gladly obliged saying it didn’t matter, that by that point – if She decided to spank me with the soft end of a feather duster that I would be feeling incredibly punished whether or not the punishment was officially over. She didn’t laugh or have a tone that made me question whether or not She was serious so I said nothing because I was, once again, paralyzed with the realization of what is in store for me.

Apologies for the small digression. Back to the point at large, it took a little while for M to register that I was not going to get my bottom smacked 30 times all in one dose – but that I was going to get my bottom smacked 30 separate times for a period of 15 minutes each time, and that this was going to average what appears to be 10 spankings a day for 3 days straight. She was a little stunned and asked me what I did to deserve that. I couldn’t really get into the specifics of my behavior over the course of the past few months (minus my intermittent stretches of good, and at points, fabulous behavior). I gave Her the general idea, but not much sympathy was elicited for my plight.

I tried desperately to convey my discontentment at the fact that I keep getting over-the-knee spankings and how much I can’t stand it, but there was no doling out of pity over a punishment I earned myself. Instead, I was merely asked if I was allowed to call “hard limits,” to which I dejectedly cried absolutely not and told M of the time DN had an extremely obnoxious client who came to Her with a set of rules of what She was and was not allowed to do in session, and how Her response to that disrespectful approach to discussing professional scenes was to make Her client EAT (yes, you read that correctly – EAT) the list before anything even transpired. M found that extremely amusing, praised Her for the act of exerting Her dominance and then looked at me like I was a lost cause.

Needless to say, that was enough evidence to assure Her I, as a personal slave, could not dare call any hard limits. When I tried that with DN one time, as extremely serious as I was, She laughed me off. I still tried crying to M about how I can never get away because She is too strong and I am forced to just lie over Her lap or get draped across Her knee against my will. Knowing from experience that I dislike this, M suggested I not bite DN. Unfortunately (through no fault of Her own) I once bit M during an OTK scene, resulting from a momentary reaction of paranoid rage and fear, that resulted in a wound so severe it was one tooth-mark short of a visit to the ER. I still have tremendous guilt over that incident because it really wasn’t Her fault. I won’t get into the details, but it’s a complicated story. I will say, however, that I didn’t get punished. I think M responded to my temporary instance of insanity with a sort of confused compassion and She actually extended comfort –nursing both me and the bloody bruise on Her thigh. I’m pretty sure if I bit DN that She would not respond with a hug and coddling but with a beating that would be worth of Guinness. She is much more intolerant of my behavior, which M seems to think can be a good thing for me because I am sorely lacking in self-discipline and control. She also thinks DN needs to reign me back in because I’ve been a little out of control behaviorally both in and out of Her presence – which is something that obviously needs remedying.

However, I think M is a little concerned about how I will be able to endure this on an emotional/mental basis, and on a physical one. She knows me very well and understands I have certain psychological fragilities at times and She has grown to be very considerate of that over the course of the years, but does not blame DN for Her different approach of strict and severe discipline, which is not the same style M utilized. She is also a little worried about my physical condition and how I will endure in that regard. She knows that my pain tolerance wanes when I am punished and that I get very upset when I’m spanked against my will or in a way that I don’t like. I remember She once said to me, “There is nothing worse anyone can do to you than spank you when you don’t want to be spanked.” I wish I could make it the case that I want to be spanked, but I can’t.

The frightening part is that DN has lost Her anger with me because I have been keeping my vow to obey and mind my behavior since She brought that insight to my attention. We haven’t spoken extensively or seen each other in a few weeks – but that has never stopped me before from acting out when I’ve felt at a safe enough distance to avoid punishment. This time I am doing everything in my power to be submissive, respectful, and obedient and to curb any bad behavior before it occurs by doing that horrible thing I hate doing – being honest. But it’s easier when I am honest, no matter how hard and confusing it feels, when She responds with affection and praise simply for the effort of trying. That makes me more willing to poke my head out of my shell and admit my feelings and motives for acting when I’d rather just keep it to myself. But I made Her a promise, and I intend to keep it at least until I get spanked to death.

She also made a declaration that for some reason, at first, bothered me tremendously and it took a lot of effort for me to not throw a fit over the phone or to inwardly withdraw and wear an attitude while professing I didn’t know what was wrong. She informed me that from now on, if I wanted to sit on the furniture that I would need to seek permission and that if I didn’t – whether it be accidentally forgetting or an outward gesture of defiance that both would result in a trip over Her knee. The only comfort I received in that was knowing that pretty soon I will probably be begging Her to let me stand up because I will not want, nor be able, to sit down.

I don’t know why this upset me so much. Something about it greatly injured my feelings and I wanted to cry but I didn’t. DN told me Her intention was to foster a more submissive attitude in me. I told M about this with great grief in my heart, but She consoled me with a very simple truth that registered immediately after She said it. “But Angel,” She told me, “When you are in the right frame of mind and feeling submissive, this is what you want.” I thought about it for a moment, all the while resisting the urge to protest something that seemed so degrading to me – but then it started to shift into perspective. And I recalled those few instances where I wearily disregarded furniture of my own accord because I found comfort, particularly, in kneeling before Her. On some occasions I have been forced to my knees, dragged there with a fistful of my hair. But there have been occasions I have found myself kneeling – either because I was feeling especially submissive and clingy and found a sense of tranquility by kneeling submissively and leaning my Head against Her thigh and in Her lap, being pet and stroked. And other times I have found myself dropping to my knees in genuine repentance and finding myself so at ease there that even after being forgiven, I didn’t want to rise. I never exactly told Her this, as sometimes I think She might find me to be too needy and clingy – but that might be Her preference as opposed to having to deal with me being a brat. Even at Her filming, I kneeled beside Her –not at all caring that our captive audience was an entirely “vanilla” group of people who were uniformed of the nature of our relationship until more than ¾’s of the way into the shoot.

So maybe this is not such a terrible thing. And I am sure I will regain any privileges She might decide (or have decided to take away) once I show consistent good behavior that is not worthy of this kind of extraordinary severe discipline. I know once She told me that if the lines of our relationship become blurred that She will not hesitate to restrict my freedoms and remove certain privileges and administer especially harsh punishments to give me the clarity needed to remedy that – after which, all of these things would be reinstated when She felt I had earned them back.

Right now I am in a lot of trouble, which She reminds me of every single time I talk to Her. She is actually mostly joking about it, but She makes references to taking me over Her knee and reddening my backside and treating me like a child and telling the whole world She has to spank me because I’ve been bad. And She even told me She was going to photo document the punishment and force me to post them on twitter after each punishment to visually record the gradual deteriorating condition of my ass. It is possible I will be spanked this week, but neither of us are entirely sure of this. She said She was pretty confident She would administer some of the spankings no matter what, but She did not mention the process She was considering or if She has decided maybe 10 in one day is a little over the top for both of us.

I will be seeing Her Sunday. We both decided it’s a good time for a fresh start. We are going to dinner and a concert, and I am hoping that I don’t get spanked before the event and have trouble sitting at the restaurant. The concert is standing room so I’m not too worried about that. But if I start shifting in my seat at dinner because I’ve been spanked earlier, there is no doubt in my mind She will make references to it all night to humiliate me in public.

After that, I will spend a couple of days with Her. I have some chores lined up. They will be really hard to complete if I have a constantly sore bottom, but that might be part of the point. She might have sessions, and if She does – I am praying She won’t take me to the studio with Her. I read on Her formspring (because She failed to mention this to me Herself) that She might administer some portions of my punishment at the Studio.

This is bad because She can spank me basically without limits because I am free to cry and scream there as opposed to whimper silently, and because if She takes me over Her knee, I will be mortified. She has threatened to do this in public before by baring my behind and leaving the door open – and that is really awful. She has also threatened, in front of several Mistresses, to take me to the back room, take my pants off and put me over Her knee – and that time I considered my face might explode from how hot and red it had turned when She said that. She spared my dignity by telling me She would take me in the back room, and not subject me to an audience, but I was still mortified beyond comprehension. And once my face returned to normal, I recall an instant shift in behavior that would give Her no cause to follow through on that.

There was one time that I spoke back to Her very early in our relationship. She took me over to the reception desk, made me lean against it and spanked me with Her hand. I had my pants on, but people were present and She was spanking me hard (although it was not long). I was still able to keep my composure at this point in our relationship, so I didn’t cry because I didn’t want Her to know I was affected. And I tried to hide my face from Her so She could not see its natural rosy color. But I can no longer keep up the façade, and all She has to do is say the word “spank” and I am reduced a special kind of helpless.

Will continue this tomorrow. Getting tired and antsy. Must send this to DN for approval.

~ by kaijedangel on September 22, 2011.