Just some thoughts, luckily avoided more trouble
Well,
Nothing terribly eventful happened tonight, except I almost got into trouble. It’s not entirely worthy of a blog entry, but I am trying to keep the stats up, as I’m a little less than 10,000 hits away from 100,000 – which is not bad considering the blog really has extremely minimal advertising, and that there have been weeks, and sometimes months at a time, when it’s been inactive.
DN and I have been on good terms for what will be exactly 2 weeks on Sunday, which is a good time for a 2 week anniversary of good behavior – since we are also having a little celebration to mark both Her birthday and our one year D/s anniversary (which we were unable to celebrate due to Her traveling schedule).
I have truly been trying to be on my best behavior, but I had a slip-up because I wasn’t really thinking about my actions or tone when I sent Her a text message where I had gotten myself involved in Her business with one of Her slaves who was in trouble, and I was attempting to persuade Her (a little too aggressively) to offer him leniency. I immediately got a phone call and was really surprised when I heard the “You are about to be in trouble” voice. I swear, I didn’t know what I did. All I remember is starting to get very afraid because of how She was speaking to me. Every single time prior to this one over the course of a couple of months, the words She began the conversation with today has led me to getting a restriction punishment or another spanking added. And worse than that, I honestly became an emotional wreck having done something to displease Her after working so hard not to.
I did do something I don’t think I’ve ever actually done before. I immediately apologized, even though I didn’t know what I did wrong right away. But I instantly determined that if She was using this tone and being so strict with me, that indeed I did something wrong. I let Her explain it to me, which took all of two sentences – and I did not dare put up a defensive wall to try to defend my behavior or insist that I did nothing wrong or that She was overreacting. I just apologized, genuinely – and it became more genuine when I realized what I did, and I just started crying. It was about to become full-fledged sobbing fest before She put a halt to it.
She accepted my apology pretty much instantly (I imagine because She sensed how sincere it was), warned me to mind my behavior and be conscious of how I speak to Her and then She told me She loved me, it was over, and to stop crying because I wasn’t punished. I did stop crying, but only because She directed me to. I really wanted to break down. I felt kind of as awful as I did the last time I saw Her and I got mouthy in the store, and ended up asking Her to punish me – which resulted in a spanking with the loopy whip that had me on the verge of regretting the decision because it hurt so badly! I was really broken up it about it. It’s funny how sometimes I get so “broken up” over the things She considers minor and completely disregard the things She views as serious. It’s obviously faulty wiring on my part, but I did realize it could have turned very serious very quickly if I resisted Her correction and verbal scolding.
So I didn’t. And I am in such a frame of mind now after realizing the severity of the punishment I have coming, that it wasn’t even a thought in my mind to disobey or challenge Her authority. And I didn’t want to ruin what will hopefully be a nice night Sunday, and also I don’t want to make Her mad. Even if She didn’t punish me, I still wouldn’t want to make Her mad. Because it’s not really a nice feeling when it’s all said and done, to make people mad at You.
She still did already teach me a lesson with the conversation we had two weeks ago. It was not something fleeting. I am trying very hard to keep that always at the forefront of my mind, and it has little to do with the fact that She is going to tear my bottom to shreds and much more to do with the fact that things just clicked for me.
I wish I could say that this would cancel out the punishment, but DN is the “real deal.” She doesn’t cancel out punishments once they have been earned, unless there is an extraordinarily good reason or She is in such an amazing mood that She doles out random bouts of charity in the form of leniency. But I don’t think this will be the case for me this time, especially because She has already mentioned it in public forums. This generally means I have no chance and that She has absolutely made up Her mind.
What is even worse, which sometimes is very confusing – is that after I have been bad and have a punishment coming, when I start to really behave in the interim, She becomes more determined than ever to administer the punishment. I don’t know whether or not it is because She feels it is the best time to impart a lesson (when She notices me in the frame of mind where I am extremely receptive) or if it is because Her anger has lessened and She won’t be tempted to literally beat me senseless due to any insolence or resentment I might still be harboring. Whatever it is, it frightens me.
I hate being punished by Her, but it’s especially difficult when She’s simply calm and collected – and there is no anger to interfere. It makes me just as scared as when She is angry. Actually, She’s got all modes of punishment effectively covered. And She knows when to utilize each of them. Believe it or not, She has had a great influence over my behavior as a result of Her discipline – and has had a better response than most. I just have to try harder, which I have been doing – as I know that lack of effort will cause me to be sorry. She is true to Her nature. There is no manipulating Her.
I remember once She got momentarily frustrated and yelled at me that spanking doesn’t work so She wasn’t going to do it anymore. At first, I got upset – I don’t even know why. But it was just a few minutes later when I completely calmed down and realized that I might have done something grand, and outwitted my Mistress without even purposely trying to! Obviously that very quickly backfired, and I considered bringing it to Her attention once – but then reconsidered realizing that sitting down is nice. Reverse psychology does not work on this woman, neither does reverse-reverse psychology. The only thing that might work is if I win the lottery and have a procedure to deaden the nerves in my ass. Although, that might just be the outcome after 7 hours of spanking 
Anyway, I am excited to see Her Sunday, no matter what happens to me. I miss Her so much. I am not sure if I will get a spanking before we go out, but I know if I do I deserve it and I won’t dare complain or do anything to ruin the evening. I just want to make Her happy and accept my punishment(s).
Kevin just received a punishing whipping from Her today, unexpectedly. I mean, it was coming – I just don’t think the day was planned. It was pretty severe from what I hear, and he learned his lesson in a little under 7 minutes. Lucky for him, he didn’t even get a quarter of an hour. I have 7 hours coming to me. But he was whipped on his back, with an audience. She decided to embarrass him for embarrassing Her, so She left the door open when beating him. I hope She won’t do that to me with spanking if I end up having to go to the Studio with Her. I don’t necessarily like whipping, but I am not embarrassed by it. Anyway you put it – punishment or not, whipping must be a billion times more erotic than spanking. If I were whipped, I would have no time to focus on being embarrassed, only time to focus on the pain.
If I were over Her knee, however, and getting spanked like a toddler with anyone or everyone watching, the humiliation might actually make my heart stop. That would definitely leave an indelible impression probably equal to the marks on my ass. Well, I can’t say She didn’t warn me that was a possibility. So if one or more of my 30 spankings happen to occur in a somewhat public setting, there is simply nothing I can do about it. Even if She decided to sit on the outside steps of a NYC building and put me over Her knee – at this point, I am so “into” being obedient, that I don’t think I would even cry or beg Her not to do it. If She is going to embarrass me for embarrassing Her, as She did with Kevin – it’s because She simply has the right. It would not be undeserved. But I sincerely hope She will not
